My Search for Truth, Faith and God
Over the last 22 months (since my life-shattering “spiritual abyss”), I’ve had a lot of time to think about God, truth and what the heck I believe. Well, a more accurate way of putting it is: I had to wait for the dust to settle from my “spiritual overhaul”, excavate the mess I found in soul and hope that my feet will land in this reality again.
Throughout this process, I’ve felt like someone reaching out into the haze, not sure of what I would touch.
Divine guidance couldn’t have come more obviously than in the form of me landing a job at a church. And not just any church, but a world-famous, somewhat-controversial church.
Add that to my baggage from already being brought up in a church and leaving the faith in highschool and we have ourselves quite the ingredients for cooking. Honestly, I’m still the process of uncovering who I am - as a child of God, eternally loved and accepted - outside of the institution of the “church”, outside of my career, outside of anyone’s opinions. Here are some of my thoughts today (originally published on my Instagram):
The truth is that I will never be a “perfect Christian.” The truth is I could care less about labeling myself a “Christian” or someone approving of me for said label. The truth is that I’m a young women with an unwieldy, nearly untameable sense of adventure and a love for the unknown.
(Literally, my plan in life is to go to the places that scare me.)
Faith is like a radar. It’s me sending my spidey senses into the universe and observing what comes back. I assess the options that appear - physical and nonphysical - and I do my best to go with the clearest, fairest, truest Truth.
Can we really ask for anything more?
I could live with the blindfold on. Or the blindfold off. Personally, I love ripping the blindfold off my own eyes, again and again. I will never stop digging because, thus far, I always find more gold.
I’m after a life of radical faith, a unforgettable adventure of being fully alive. I’m after miracles. I’m after POSSIBILITY. I’m after kind of stuff that shatters my own paradigms. Some call that impractical. Some call that seeking God. Some… give me a blank stare and check their phones.
— a quick note about “God”—
In my experience, the desire to live fiercely and fully will inevitably lead one to believe in a High Power.
Who or what is that Higher Power? MILLIONS of books have been written on this topic, and yet the Higher Power can never be put into words. (Oh the paradox. I could contemplate that one for years… and I will.🤩✍🏼)
For me, the spark that compels us to grow is enough proof of “God.” God in us. And the fact that the sun keeps rising and giving me a new day?! I’m sold. Tell me where I can find more God.
So in case you were wondering (because I am always wondering), I believe. I just believe. And apparently, that’s good enough for God.
MY AFTER THOUGHTS: My heart in writing things like this, is not to convince anyone of anything… I know that people will come to the spiritual path from all kinds of journeys. Some of us have been hurt by religion. Some of us have found a path we are 500% convinced is the real one, the best one, the true one. Who am I to tell you that you are right or wrong? I don’t believe that I have that kind of power. No one “convinced” me to believe what I believe. It’s an ongoing process of discovery. Of learning how to be loved again.